美国最佳毕业典礼致辞——Ellen Lee DeGeneres

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艾伦李德杰尼勒斯(Ellen Lee DeGeneres，1958年1月26日-)是一位美国演员及单口相声喜剧演员(stand-upedian)，现在她主持脱口秀节目艾伦德杰尼勒斯秀(TheEllen DeGeneres Show)及在美国偶像(AmericanIdol)第九季担任评审。曾主持第79届奥斯卡金像奖，亦曾多次凭艾伦德杰尼勒斯秀获得艾美奖。美国最佳毕业典礼致辞Ellen Lee DeGeneresThankyou, President Cowan, Mrs. President Cowen; distinguished guests,undistinguished guests - you know who you are, honored faculty and creepySpanish teacher. And thank you to all the graduating class of 2009, I realizemost of you are hungover and he splitting headaches and hent slept sinceFat Tuesday, but you cant graduate til I finish, so listen up. When I wasasked to make the mencement speech, I immediately said yes. Then I went tolook up what mencement meant. Which would he been easy if I had adictionary, but most of the books in our house are Portias, and theyre allwritten in Australian. So I had to break the word down myself, to find out themeaning. mencement: mon, and cement. mon cement. You monly seecement on sidewalks. Sidewalks he cracks, and if you step on a crack, youbreak your mothers back. So theres that. But Im honored that youve asked mehere to speak at your mon cement. I thought that you had to be a famousalumnus - alumini - aluminum - alumis - you had to graduate from this school.And I didnt go to college here, and I dont know if President Cowan knows, Ididnt go to any college at all. Any college. And Im not saying you wastedyour time, or money, but look at me, Im a huge celebrity. Although I didgraduate from the school of hard knocks, our mascot was the knockers. I spent alot of time here growing up. My mom worked at (?) and I would go there everytime I needed to steal something out of her purse. But why am I here today?Clearly not to steal, youre too far away and Id never get away with it. Imhere because of you. Because I cant think of a more tenacious, more courageousgraduating class. I mean, look at you all, wearing your robes. Usually whenyoure wearing a robe at 10 in the morning, it means youve given up. Im herebecause I love New Orleans. I was born and raised here, I spent my formativeyears here, and like you, while I was living here I only did laundry six times.When I finished school, I was pletely lost. And by school, I mean middleschool, but I went ahead and finished high school anyway. And I - I really, Ihad no ambition, I didnt know what I wanted to do. I did everything from - Ishucked oysters, I was a hostess, I was a bartender, I was a waitress, Ipainted houses, I sold vaccuum cleaners, I had no idea. And I thought Id justfinally settle in some job, and I would make enough money to pay my rent, maybehe basic cable, maybe not, I didnt really he a plan, my point is that, bythe time I was your age, I really thought I knew who I was, but I had no idea.Like for example, when I was your age, I was dating men. So what Im saying is,when youre older, most of you will be gay. Anyone writing this stuff down?Parents? Anyway, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, and the way Iended up on this path was from a very tragic event. I was maybe 19, and mygirlfriend at the time was killed in a car accident. And I passed the accident,and I didnt know it was her and I kept going, and I found out shortly afterthat, it was her. And I was living in a basement apartment, I had no money, Ihad no heat, no air, I had a mattress on the floor and the apartment wasinfested with fleas. And I was soul-searching, I was like, why is she suddenlygone, and there are fleas here? I dont understand, there must be a purpose,and wouldnt it be so convenient if we could pick up the phone and call God,and ask these questions. And I started writing and what poured out of me was animaginary conversation with God, which was one-sided, and I finished writing itand I looked at it and I said to myself, and I hadnt even been doing stand-up,ever, there was no club in town. I said, Im gonna do this on the TonightShow With Johnny Carson- at the time he was the king - and Imgonna be the first woman in the history of the show to be called over to sitdown. And several years later, I was the first woman in the history ofthe show, and only woman in the history of the show to sit down, because ofthat phone conversation with God that I wrote. And I started this path ofstand-up and it was successful and it was great, but it was hard, because I wastrying to please everybody and I had this secret that I was keeping, that I wasgay. And I thought if people found out they wouldnt like me, they wouldntlaugh at me. Then my career turned into - I got my own sit, and that wasvery successful, another level of success. And I thought, what if they find outIm gay, then theyll never watch, and this was a long time ago, this was whenwe just had white presidents - this was back, many years ago - and I finallydecided that I was living with so much shame, and so much fear, that I justcouldnt live that way anymore, and I decided to e out and make it creative.And my character would e out at the same time, and it wasnt to make apolitical statement, it wasnt to do anything other than to free.