请各位亲帮我修改下托福作文拜托小女跪拜

[六级作文请大神修改下]第一句 in the above column chart 应改为 in the column chart above 当above 作形容词时表示的是上文的，而上图是没有文章的，所以应以副词用，把它挪到后面去图表作文一般是...+阅读

请各位亲帮我修改下托福作文拜托小女跪拜

When faced with the problem, asking people who are more sophisticated than us to help us settle trouble would be more effective 缺主语意见：1，没有高级词汇，句式不够漂亮。多来点独立主语和从句会更好。2，段落意思不明确。When faced with the problem, asking people who are more sophisticated than us to help us settle trouble would be more effective. 这句话其实什么都没说，范围太大了。一段的起始句一定要紧扣论述题目，把范围缩小。托福作文逻辑分会扣很多分。3，开头模板太明显。起码换个自己写的模板4,＂I'm afraid＂语气不坚定，会有不利影响。From my perspective, In my point of view 会更好。5，机器批改的时候重复词会扣分。6，第二个分观点相当于从反面论证。千万不要从反面论证，一定要正着写。而且这段的开头句也没点名观点。

7，两个分观点之间的逻辑关系不明显。会扣分我觉得写得好的地方：最后一段开头句很亮。能在规定时间里码出这么多字功力不一般啊。我觉得短期改进的话可以背几个GRE长难句套着用。不要全篇长难句，要长短结合。多总结点同类词，比如表经验的用哪些，表增大的用哪些。不要重复用词。我也不确定这篇作文能多少分，因为托福作文打分很奇怪。我曾经写过200字不到的托福作文拿了28，也写过650+的拿了满分，也写过正常字数的才25。有的时候也要看考官心情。所以这篇作文我给26+吧。...

帮我看看我的托福作文吧

In the past 100 years, profound changes have taken place in people's daily life. Car has gradually become the main transportation for people.（原来的太绕太反复，而且主句分句主语混乱）Although there are still people who use bicycle as their vehicle, I believe that the most useful discovery for people in the last 100 years is car.（原句逻辑关系不清，没有个although前一句太突兀，还有些单复数，用词上的错误。） The car enchances the efficiency of people's work.（原句根本不是句子。这样改语法没问题但是内容牵强，我不知道你要表达什么。） About a hundred year ago cars were not popular ,people had to spend a great lot of time going to work ,dating , tarvelling on the way.(travelling on th way是前两条的总结，并列放着不合适。另，你的时态很混乱。)In the recent 100 years, technology has improved much faster.（只有technology可以improve,development不行） Hence,cars ,which is commonly used in everyday life, are very popular now . With the help of cars, we can economize the time on working ,out-door picnics etc . Cars are not only efficient but also convenient for the modern people . A great number of convenience（原来你能数出汽车有几个方便！佩服。

） has been seen as the cars created .（这句话全是错误，建议重新写。topic sentence追求简单句，清晰思维，别一开始就绕昏自己） We can drive it whenever we want to go . A good example is that ，（最雷人的举例方法，还附送语法错误。orz。改成 I have felt the convenience of using cars in my daily life.） I was a poor person who didn't own a car when I started my career . I had to get up early so that I could catch the firstly empty bus （这是什么bus？没听过这种用法。另，catch the bus才是赶公车）everyday which sent me to the right place . sometimes I had to wait for a few minutes ,a quarter or even worse. As time went by , I finally possessed my own car which was very cheap. It changed my life greatly and meant that I didn't have to be controled . I can drive it to work ,to travel ,to do everythings I would like .（完全不明白你要表达什么。

。诡异的说法） Apart from the advantages of cars which I have mentioned above , cars also bring joys to us .We can go for a picnic,by using the car where we see our family's smile to us and enjoy the meaningful holiday.（此句完全不通= =） From that has been discussed above , we may safely draw the conclusion that cars are the most useful discoveries in my country. 好了，终于改完了。首先在结构上不存在大问题，但是你举自己例子的那一段的主题与例子不搭调。然后整篇文章的中心不应用thing这么模棱两可的词，更何况题目是问你the most beneficial discovery。文中小错误一堆，不是我打击你，请你不会用从句那就用简单句，把句子写的长不仅容易错改卷的人看着也郁闷。时态语态好好复习一下，很多基本用法和搭配都有问题。例证不够，然后conclusion也太过套样本了，好歹也稍微总结下你的论点啊。

其他也没什么了。你自己看看考虑下怎么提高吧。我睡觉了。

求一个托福作文例子

1.ABRAHAM LINCOLN你先用wikipedia 搜一下他的事迹。可以写一些比较著名的。比如abolitionist。在civil war中林肯展现的品质。In this temple as in people's heart abraham lincoln who saved the union will be enshined forever 这是写林肯纪念堂上的一句话。可以作为结尾。你可以搜一下准确版本。我也记不太清。2.Helen kellerher persistence and fortitude 你可以写你深深的感动于当她遇到困难时坚定的信念等等。。。要写一些美国历史上的名人。而且是需要自己比较熟悉。能够举出丰富的例子的。想到人。但是不知道例子。可是用wiki或者百科搜一下。看一遍说明以后。自己总结一下。写出来。。还有。这种题目出道的几率基本为0。一般不需要准备这样的题目。...